The kissing highlighters

Back to square one

UP GRADUATE??? CUM LAUDE???

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Admittedly, I think I had this high regard for my capabilities and credentials. I came from THE BEST University afterall, right? And I graduated with honors, considering that I wasn't the type of student who devoted her time on acads alone. I was a member of three organizations during my stay, wherein I've had varying positions and responsibilities. Half my college life, I was part of the Executive Committee.

I must be someone great. Right?

When I didn't pass the LAE, people told me, surely you'd pass in Ateneo. And I did. And when I did, people told me, 'sus, Ateneo, kayang kaya mo na yan!

But yesterday was such a humbling experience.

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I tried my best to read as much cases as I could to prepare for the dreaded recitation on the first day of classes. We were assigned around 80 to 100 cases (I'm not sure of the exact numbers), and the official case list was only given to us less than 72 hours before THE DAY. Of course, those are to be tackled in four days, but still, we have to try to read everything since we don't really know where he'd start.

I have always been excited about my first day in school. In the entire history of my academic life, this is the VERY FIRST time I DREADED GOING TO SCHOOL.

I used to be one who's usually prepared for class. Masipag daw ako, sabi nila. I LOVED recitation, because I liked the idea of showing the professor/teacher that I exert effort to do well in his or her class. But yesterday, I felt like I was one of the weakest links. (And UP graduates only constitute less than 25% of the student population there, I think).

I was praying soooo hard that I won't get called because I knew that I'd probably just make a complete fool out of myself (though I comforted myself with the idea that most people probably feel the same, and it's probably just the spotlight effect). Prior to the professor's arrival, the people around me were discussing the cases like they know it by heart. I'm familiar with some, but I could not, for the life of me, remember the facts about the case that I always had to look for my notes in my laptop to refresh my memory. I suddenly longed for the Rhea I knew, just a few months back, who could talk a good deal about a subject.

UP graduate? Cum laude? At that moment, I certainly didn't feel like I was giving justice to those titles. I felt like I was just an ordinary student, as average (or below average) as can be.

Much to everybody's surprise (and my relief), Dean Roy declared that he doesn't want to give recits anymore. Although, upperclassmen advised us to still prepare for a possible recitation, since he might just want to throw us off guard.

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I still remember the words one of the speakers during the OrSem told us, "Everybody here starts with a clean slate. Because no matter how high you think you are, the Law School will break you down into pieces. And then, that's when it would start to build you up."

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So I'm back to square one. I shall stop thinking of myself as a cum laude UP graduate, not because I am now hardcore Atenean (because as I said, UP will forever live in me), but only because the immediate connotations implied in such a title puts me at a disadvantaged position, becuase it makes me think that I'm above average and that as such, the way I do things before to get good grades will work this time around.

Notice though how I emphasized immediate. Well, only at this very moment, I [rhea]lized that thinking of myself as one, and truly knowing what it means to be one, can be for my own benefit, too. Because a UP graduate NEVER gives up. A UP graduate stands his or her ground.

To be honest, I am still filled with much anxiety right now. See? I'm blogging when I should be reading (since reading 8-10 hours a day won't merit good performance, but merely survival). I guess this is my way of destressing and boosting my currently super down morale.

I am VERY MUCH HUMBLED by what I felt yesterday.

But as I said, I shall not give up. I shall fight. Because as Dean Roy said, lawyers are warriors. We fight the battles other people could not fight.

In a way I really feel like crying now, because I feel so weak and incompetent. But if I give up my dream just like that, then I'm really not deserving.

I'm putting my ego at such a big risk by posting this publicly. Because if I do give up in the future, or if I don't pass my subjects or the BAR, surely it would be embarassing. But I'd take that risk, if that would motivate me even more to WIN THIS.

Of course, such is not the highest motivation. Thanks to Dean Roy, I have now discovered what is it that I want to do essentially :) And more than anything else, that's what motivates me.

Mababaw issues.

Maraming taong nagsasabi sakin, "rhea, buti ka pa walang tiyan." True enough, haha. At hindi rin naman ako flat-chested. So dapat matuwa ako diba.

PERO WALA AKONG HIPS.
WALA, WALA, WALAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA :

So sad. Haha. Kahit pa napakaliit ng waist ko, kung wala naman akong hips, mukhang direcho lang din ang katawan ko from below the chest area pababa.

Haha oo na, ang babaw ng issues ko. Hahaha kumusta naman :))

Nakakapagpalaki ba ng hips? Kung sino may alam pano sabihan niyo ko :)) Eh buto yun, diba? Although sabi ng tita ko, try ko daw magpuntang gym at maghanap ng person na makakapagdesign ng proper exercise and diet para tumaba ako, then papapayat na lang sa ibang areas except sa hips. Haha! Srsly, am really considering.

Pero kasi naman. It's so depressing. Lalo na ngayong summer. Hindi ko gusto shots ko pag nakaswimsuit kasi nga wala akong hips : Eh diba pag sa ganun, mas mukhang sexy tignan kahit hindi flat tummy basta well-defined ang curves from waist to hips. EH WALA NGA AKONG HIPS. Kaya mas mukha akong mataba kahit na hindi naman.

:)) shett natatawa lang ako sa kababawan ko. I can't believe I'm openly talking about my body issues :))

Define malabo.

Pag 'nanjan, inaayawan mo.
Pag wala, hinahanap mo.

Gusto mong pakawalan.
Hindi mo kaya.

Gusto mong mag-isip.
Pero pagod ka na.

Malabo ka
Rhea.

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I guess I need to really divert my attention to other things first. Keep myself busy. Be happy.

Early last week, at the peak of my confusion, all I wanted was to stay at home and be alone. Rant to friends. Sleep. Think. And think some more. But it's already been over a week, and I've done just that. I've thought of so many explanations, so many reasons...

I know the pros and I know the cons. But I can't seem to give weight to each for me to actually get to pit one decision against another.

All there's left to do is to DECIDE. And it's not in my capacity to do so. At least not at the moment.

David Cook says it again.

"I can't get close if your not there

I can't get inside if theres no soul to bear

I can't fix you I can't save you

its something you have to do"

-this is what I want you to understand. What I'm doing now is something I must do on my own. So please stop the messages, they aren't helping. You're only luring me back in. But I can't go for feelings that are fleeting. 'Cause if I do the cycle would continue. And we don't want that. I don't want that.

And thanks to my high school girl friends :) Tuesday, it is :D So excited to see you again :)

Cool off.

I need a time out. And thank you for agreeing.

You know this time will come. Dati pa. Diba? Dating dati pa.

And you know the long line of reasons.

I know it will hurt, but don’t think it doesn’t hurt me, too.

I’ve seen this coming waaay before.

This is the best way I can be considerate to you, to our issues, and to myself. It sucks, but it is [the best way].

We both know there are a number of things that are wrong about our relationship. I’m sure you would agree there are some things which aren’t right from the very beginning.

I’m not giving any guarantee.

But I loved you. I really did.

Summing up four great years is hard to do.

Undeniably, I had onehelluvanawesometime in my stay in the University. Every year has been extraordinary. No doubt about it, UP gave me the best four years of my life. It has been such a great honor to be in a crowd like that, to be mentored by the best professors, to exchange ideas with tomorrow’s best men and women, and to be a scholar of the entire Filipino nation.

In UP I learned not just about life. I learned about what it means to lead a great one (and also how to!). I became classmates not just with bright people. Better still, I got to mingle with the country’s brightest. I may have “failed” at times in UP’s standards. But hey, those were UP’s standards. And though it may not seem true due to my previous statements (haha), UP humbled me and made me realize that you’re never really good enough… and it is not a matter of “you can always do better” but more of “you should always try to strive to be better.” After all, you owe it to the people. And it’s not even out of pagbabayad ng utang na loob because the people subsidized our tuition. More than anything else, it’s about good citizenship.

I miss UP already.

It’s a bit hard for me to move on given that there never was really any closure. But then again, why should there be a closure when you can still keep in touch? Closures are for endings. I may be an Atenean in a few months time, but I’ll always be UP. I’ll always have the blood of a UP graduate and not passing the LAE can’t take that away from me.

I can’t stress enough how I love UP and how I enjoyed my short stay. I comfort myself with the fact that I have maximized my stay by being so many things at the same time, without sacrificing my academics. I don’t know when I’ll ever be in such a great sea of bright minds again. Sure there’s Ateneo Law, but then we’d all be students of the law. The feeling of being among tomorrow’s leaders in just about every field is really different. Besides, Ateneo can never be UP. But then that’s a good thing, ‘cause then I’d be looking forward to brand new experiences, things I wouldn’t get if I’m still in UP :) For more academic (and personal) growth na rin, diba? (I hope my point is clear, as I do not mean to offend the former school in any way).

So Philippines, thank you for the honor of being an Iskolar ng Bayan for four splendid years. You know I love you :)