Tsktsk.

I never had to go on a diet. EVER. Because no matter how much I eat, I don't gain considerable weight anyway. And even if I do, I'm still thin.

But that's not the case anymore!!!

Since sembreak, I started lessening my food intake. A LOT of the people I know (especially the ones who haven't seen me for months/years)have been telling me that I'm obviously gaining weight in law school.

While preparing my clothes for this week, I somewhat had difficulty selecting which clothes to bring because some of my clothes just don't fit well anymore :(

I'm hungry. But I already ate dinner-- bread + tuna.

I said though in the previous entry that EVERYTHING (save for the few exceptions i mentioned, and the rule is exclusio unius est exclusio alterius)shall be subordinate to the more pressing and important demands of the law school. And that includes my figure concerns. So I better stop sulking now. Back to work.

FOCUS

"The key to staying in law school is FOCUS."
-Dean Candelaria

And focus, I shall. I'm here to become a lawyer. All other things in my life, inside or outside law school, except for God and family and trueblue friends, shall be of subordinate importance to my study of the law.

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Love? That will come. In time. Probably just not while I'm in law school.

(Although the prospect of staying single for four years seems kinda harsh hahaha. But we'll see).

Edit: it IS harsh :))

Because He is the best <3

My general weighted average this sem is the LOWEST I ever got in my entire life, yet ironically, dito rin ako pinaka-sumaya. My heart has never JUMPED FOR JOY because of grades the way it did tonight. My entire life as a student, I only feared failing math,a mediocre general average, or not making it to the top 10 (in grade school and high school) or the cs/us list (college). In law school, for the first time, I prayed to just at least pass (75) and meet the qpi (78). So even if my qpi now is what I would consider disheartening and mediocre before, I'm still very much thankful to the Lord for it.

And you know what's even more beautiful? This morning, one of the verses I got from the Bible said: "Do not let your heart be troubled. Trust in God, and trust in me" - John 14:1. Sakto. Ang galing galing lang Niya :)

I'll remember my first sem, first year in law school forever <3 The nervewracking intro to law days when there was no minute that passed when we weren't holding on tight for dear life, the tension brought about by the first few times we were called to recite, the first memories with the people in the block, the first midterms week, the first finals week, and alas--the moment of truth (when we finally saw our grades).

To my blockmates: I'm happy to have spent what would perhaps be one of the semesters I'll remember forever with you :) Here's to hoping we have 3.5 more years to spend with each other in the law school.

I'm also really very grateful that I ended up in Ateneo Law :) Now it is my DUTY to do better next semester. Nerdy as it may sound, but I'm looking forward to start yet another 5 months of torture. After all, diamonds are made under pressure. Despite my lackluster performance this sem, I'm very much eager to rise up and redeem myself. With God's help, of course :)

P.S.
Dear Ace,
thank you for describing me as such. it lifted up my spirits. it's also some sort of a reminder. so, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.
-->My friend Ace was asked, "What is Rhealeth's idea of a great movie?" and she answered: "a story about getting beat up by life's challenges and rising back up again... done with an awesome pair of high heels... :)"

<3

Do you still believe in love?

Despite everything, I still do. Someday, it will come.

Countless books (The Alchemist, among the best convincers) tell us what we’re looking for has been right in front of us all along. But I refuse to buy that, no matter how true it may be. Because if we resort to that belief and settle for what’s here and now, we’ll always be bothered by many what ifs. This is one case when vicarious learning is not applicable. We may end up with the same conclusion later on, but the point is that we were the ones who actually came up with such conclusion. That makes all the difference.

I used to like to play it safe. Maybe I was too afraid to lose. But then later on it hit me that I’m being selfish.

On January 1, 2009, I wrote this.

If you don’t have the time to bother reading, in a nutshell, I told myself that this year, I’d be bolder and take more risks. Looking back at the things I’ve done this year, it can be said I stayed true to that, only most of those actions were not things I could be proud of. The year’s almost about to end, but perhaps it’s not too late. This time around, I’ll make sure the risks I take are the ones in line with what is right.

Ang first year, first sem law school grades, para lang...

Nandiyan ka nga,
wala naman akong mapala.
Ano ba,
ayoko na ng suspense ok.
Ang sakit mo sa puso,
grabe.
Matutulog na ko,
hindi na kita iisipin.
Tutal, darating ka rin naman diba?
Mag-iintay na lang ako.

Grades. First sem, first year, law school.

Parang pag-ibig lang eh noh.

The paradox of silence.

When a friend first asked me to join the Silent Retreat, I was quite uncertain about it. I’m a very talkative person; I crave for conversations. 3 days of not talking? You must be kidding me. It’s almost like being maimed.

Weeks after, I found myself walking along a very quiet hall, eerie to a point, I must say, and being led to a room which I’ll have all for myself. It was night time when I got there. And it was in Tagaytay. So you could just imagine how I must have felt at that time, also bearing in mind that I’m the type of person who get spooked easily: night time, cold winds, new place, isolation.

After the assistant campus minister briefed me on the house rules, the activities I missed and the spiritual exercises I’m supposed to do before sleeping, I was left all by myself. And then I realized I have to go down to the dining area to take my medicine. I tried to be brave. So I went out of my room, walked down the lonely hall again, and struggled down the stairs. The dining area was dark. And through two sides of the room, you could see and feel the darkness outside. Usually, such a situation gives me goosebumps and makes me turn my back. So my first victory that night was opening the lights and drinking my meds—in a room where no one else was present, with a view of the darkness and stillness of the night. Usually, also, going back, my tendency is to run away, heart beating fast, as if someone who I don’t want to catch up with me is after me. This time around though, since I couldn’t run given the condition of my legs, I had no choice but to calm myself down. So slowly, I walked… past the huge window by the stairway, past the quiet hall, and back to my own cold room.

In my room, I preoccupied myself with the exercises. I wrote a bit on my journal and then slept. That was pretty much my first night.

But I won’t go boring you further now with a detailed story of how my second and third days went :p

What I just want to note now is how everything that happened during those two days acquainted me to the paradox of silence. I wasn’t such a big fan of silence back then. Utter silence makes me feel alone and vulnerable. It makes me feel unconnected and missing out on a lot. It also scares me at times. It disturbs my peace, so I yearn for noise for the comfort of knowing that there are other people around me (except, of course, when silence is needed, like when studying). But during that retreat, it was in silence that I felt most not alone. Because then, I felt enveloped in God’s presence.

The following is an excerpt from one of the journal entries I wrote during the retreat. I wrote them as reminders for myself. I decided I want to share it :)

Appreciate silence. Appreciate the times when nothing seems to be “happening” in your life. You’ve hurt people just because you tried to make them fill the emptiness or boredom you are feeling. When nothing seems to be happening, use it as a time for prayer. A time to reflect. A time to bond with God. A time to realize how blessed you are. A time to ponder about life. A time to just be still.

Right now, my heart is at peace. The confusions and all the uncertainty, I just lifted them up to him. And it feels a lot lighter now. When I went there, I was initially expecting I’d get to talk to someone, share to that person how I am feeling, and maybe that person could give me an answer so that when I go back, I already know what to do. I never approached the Director to tell him about my story and what confuses my heart. I realized that I have to stop thinking too much, and also to stop looking for people to confirm my feelings and actions. I realized I don’t have to solve everything. Life is intricate. Human interactions are still a puzzle even to people who spent their whole lives studying such. Every person is different, and so each time the lives of people intertwine, you can never really be a hundred percent sure about what will happen. So I thought it’s best to just lift up to God all my worries. And so I did. I told Him that I know I may not have the answer yet when I come back, but that I am sure that if I just stop worrying and pray to Him to keep my heart safe and steady, things will fall into place.

So instead of entangling my thoughts with too much thinking and analyzing, I decided to just see and accept things as they are, be still, and listen. He talks. We just first have to be silent to hear all the great things we miss out on hearing when we’re too enamored with the hustle and bustle of everything.

And then you’ll realize how festive silence can be, if you haven’t discovered that yet, that is :)

A kid's station

Post-consti exam w/ Doreen and Prinz:

Lulu Belle
Trying to make ourselves feel good and telling each other we'll really shape up and do better next semester. Given the chance. I must say, I haven't been giving my best. But it's only the beginning. Might not have been a good one, but well... Fight!

Kidz Station
Dorz also bought her own Kooky pen, Peace :) So Alex has Amadeo, I have April, Prinz has Vox and Mia has Sugar. D, Pao, Estelle, you ought to buy your own Kooky pens na rin :D Well, each pen costs P195. I know, a bit pricey but they're SUPER CUTE okay. And they're refillable. O-ha! I'll try to take a picture some other time. But really :) Mine never fails to cheer me up. As a kiddy pen, it sorta reminds me of how I wanted to be doing what I'm doing now since I was a small kid. It also reminds me to NEVER cease from being childlike, to never succumb to being jaded :)

Marta's Cupcakes
CHEAP cupcakes (Php40-55!!!) that you'll REALLY love. Move over Sonja :D

Fully Booked
Prinz and I bought 2010 planners <3 I'll post a snapshot of my CLASSIC ALICE IN WONDERLAND planner next time <3 You'll see why I love it. When I saw it, I couldn't let go of it na so I knew I had to buy it. P599 lang but it was on sale, plus Prinz lent me his discount card to I ended up shelling out only P529 bucks. Not bad at all for a planner that means a lot to me. I just saw online the 2010 BDJ. It's pretty and maybe, I'll miss the discount stuff. But just about every girl has a BDJ now, unlike two/three years ago. So I'm not really thrilled.

Actually, I didn't intend to buy a planner at all when we went to Fully Booked. I only wanted to browse the books available and, if I find something REALLY nice, I'll treat myself with one. But then we both asked each other to prevent each other from buying ANY book since we still have 2 exams and a paper before the 1st sem's officially over. So we ended up buying planners instead. Haha, they're not books naman diba? Expressio unius est exclusio alterius. :))

McDo
Comfort food. Period.

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My friend Third once sent me a quote: "The more you grow older, the more you have to keep in touch with the people you knew when you were younger."

By analogy, I must say it applies to things as well. Sometimes, the things we loved when we were younger (and when the world was a lot nicer) serve as heartwarming reminders. Sure, we all have to grow up. Face the realities. The world isn't made of sugar and spice and everything nice. But that doesn't mean we have to be jaded. That doesn't mean we have to let go of the very reasons that drove us to where we are now.

And you know what, just now, I rhealized that the older isn't always the one with a stronger character. I rhealized that sometimes, our present, older selves can draw a lot of strength from our younger selves. If we still remember them. I hope we always will :)