How can you pack forever in a month?

One last month and college would be over (*can't find an appropriate smiley 'cause i'm feeling an awful wide range of emotions*).

Note: no coherence here, just strings of sentences.

*As you might have noticed, I haven't blogged much last month (which just ended yesterday with a bang) because it has been such a busy one for me. So I'm trying to blog now, albeit incoherently.

*Sometime last week, Chesca and I came up with this "crying party" idea. It all started when Ches started being so unusually extra perky and then ended up getting a wee bit too emo reminiscing our freshman days. We were conversing in ym, but I just had to call. Haha. And then I started crying. Haha. Take note: I had a lab exam the following day.

*Every phase of my life had its own ups and downs. But I would say that college has been the best, so far. That's why, just this moment, I [rhea]lized that more than being excited, proud, and happy with the idea that I'm finally going to graduate from college, from UP, nonetheless, I can't help but feel a bit sad. Actually, "sad" doesn't do much justice to how I feel. It's a positive and negative feeling rolled into one, I guess, but maybe it's just that this feeling isn't triggering adrenaline and endorphins. Unlike a lot of kids, I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED SCHOOL. I have never really been the best student in class, but I could say that I have always been a good one. I have an affinity for learning. And studying, as nerdy as it might sound. Haha, you know one of the things I am gonna miss about being a student? Highlighting books, making reviewers, reviewing reviewers, and doing well during "tanungan"with classmates. Haha. So nerdy, noh? But I am actually going to really, really miss those.And the people! I'm gonna miss the people! School's so much easier because you're with people your age.

*I just can't believe I only have one month left. One month to try to squeeze in everything I want to do before graduating, one month to try to rekindle friendships that have not been given much attention to due to busy schedules, and one month to cherish and savor being with the one I love. Don't get me wrong. I'm not going to break up with him after graduating. It's just that it's going to be harder when I'm not in school anymore. I've always liked that we get to see each other almost as often as we want to; that when I need immediate help, he's just a call (and a few minutes) away. Having him and being with him were one of the best blessings I got during my college years.

*At the same time, I feel proud of myself. Sure, I've made a gazillion mistakes along the way, but still, the past 16 years I spent in school weren't so bad. When I was in pre-school, I was overwhelmed with the idea of having to go to school for so many more years. I said I loved school, yes, but hey, as a very young child, who can't help but think that finishing school seems like forever? And now that it's nearly over... well, I still can't believe it's nearly over. My pre-school self would be so proud of her older versions for surpassing all those challenges :)

*This morning, I came up with this idea: I'm gonna document every single day of my last month in school :D Well, not really every activity, but at least a few shots from each day. And! I'll jot down the best parts of each day. And yes, every day shall have a "best" part. And there's no more room for "worsts."

*Here are JUST SOME of the things I want to do before wearing that sablay :)

• stay overnight at the University hotel! :)
• eat breakfast at sunken garden with fellow seniors, reminisce our earlier days together, cry, and laugh.
• have a meaningful conversation with each of the people I look up to over coffee at Cordillera Coffee or Choc Kiss or Figaro (just because it feels a lot more "UP" if the conversation is in Diliman).
• spend a day taking pictures around the campus with friends.
• walk (very slowly!) around the campus at night, under the stars, with people I love. one at a time :)
• eat isaw with the POPS we're gonna leave behind. or okay, maybe not necessarily isaw. but I just want really want more happy memories with them before I leave. i know i don't tambay as much these days (because I'm spending most of my time left with jamo) but i really want to spend time with these kids. haha. they're not even kids. most are just my age (or even older). but yeah, imma miss them. they might not know it, but they made me discover a lot of things about myself and I am really thankful.
• join a build with UPGK! i miss gawad kalinga soo much.

*My next post would be pictures from February! :) And I guess, after I take that last exam or pass that last requirement, I'm going to post a collection of pictures from my entire college life :)

How can you pack forever in a month?

Well, I guess you could start by using time really wisely.

No more room for doing the unnecessary.

Because we're talking of the end of a "great run" (Hernandez, 2009) here, honey :)

---

According to social psychology, we tend to overestimate our future feelings. So now, I comfort myself with the idea that it isn't going to be so sad and hard when I do leave behind everything that was good about college. Because hey, it's also the beginning of another great run :) And I don't even have to leave everything behind--some I can still carry with me, and for the others, I can always go back and visit UP. Or, I can be a student again :p We'll see.

Hello, other options :)

Passing the UP Law Aptitude Exam would have made things easier for me: it would have been the convenient choice to enroll in the UP College of Law and give my best shot as a student.

I have mentioned a number of times here in my blog that there are a lot of other things I want to do, and that I'm not even sure if law really is for me. And now that I know I'm not part of the bright 238 people who made it (out of what, 5000? 6000?), the question of whether I really want Law is all the more glaring. Without the prestige of my beloved University, do I still want it? Ateneo Law and UP Law, for example, are basically both Law schools. However, why is it that I don't feel the same passion for the former as compared to the latter? Does this mean, then, that it isn't really law that I want but the institution itself? But then again, for my option of taking postgraduate studies in psychology, Ateneo seems pretty much okay. So the point is... well, I don't want to jump into conclusions of what I really want. Because as of now, this whole not-passing-the-LAE thing is seriously challenging what I want to do. And it's my future that's at stake here, so that's a big deal.

I cried. I cried without really being sure of the reason why. The one thing that came to mind was the constant reassurance of the people around me that they know I'd surely pass. People, do your friends a favor and don't do that. It pressured me a lot, y'know. Even if on my own, I wasn't that sure of my feelings towards law school, the fact that everyone was expecting I'd surely pass made it hard for me to accept that I didn't. Pride kicked in.

So pride kicked in. But I didn't let it consume me. And I guess that was the defining moment. The late Randy Pausch, author of the bestseller The Last Lecture, once said that "we cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand." And true enough, I couldn't change the fact that I didn't pass my dream school, but then I believe I get to define my character by how I choose to respond to that situation.

For the record, I really don't do well in entrance exams: in Manila Science, though admitted, I was not part of any of the top three sections; in UP, though eventually admitted to my first choice, I was first DPWS (degree program with slots). You might be surprised by the latter 'cause I never really shared it in public *cough*pride*cough*. So I wasn't so surprised I didn't pass (notice my avoidance of using "I failed"). I expected it, but the people around me didn't, and I guess that's the reason for the initial "my-world's-falling-apart" feeling. But anyway, mediocre as I have been in admission tests, I would like to believe that I made up for it when I was already in the said institutions. In Manila Science for example, in the course of the four years, I did better than some of those who were initially placed in the top three sections. And even if I was not accepted to Psych right away, I more than compensated for that by performing well in my acads and by now being a candidate for cum laude (which I may or may not achieve, but that's already beside the point). I talk about these things not to boast. Rather, I guess these just serve as reminders for me not to think lowly of myself; that I am a fighter and that if I just be given the opportunity, I could actually meet the demands and do well.

It still pains me in a way. I still haven't had a really good cry. I will, in the privacy of my own room back in Laguna. I can't wait. I just want to really let it out.

But well, hello other options! :)

Sometime this week I'll visit Prof. Rosel at the OCG. I really need some guidance because right now there are just so many to choose from. And the choice won't be convenient, unlike if I passed the LAE. But the harder it is to make a choice, the greater the mental faculty to employ, and the more reasonable the judgment will be. UP Law would have been a very convenient choice. But I'm graduating and I've always had the convenient choices. It's time to grow up and move out of my comfort zone :) What do I really want in life? Truth be told, I still want to get admitted to UP Law, but only because it would make the decision-making process a lot easier for me, and yeah, it would be good for my pride, too. But I have so many years ahead of me. I guess I have to undergo through this hard process. I want to know what I really want. So help me God.

Fighters, we are :)

Hindi yung buong kanta gusto ko idedicate sa UP haha kasi hindi appropriate. Pero may mga lines na SOBRANG bagay :) I LOVE UP DILIMAN FOREV :) Maroons: fighters, we are :)

"After all that you put me through,
You think I'd despise you,
But in the end I wanna thank you,
'Cause you've made me that much stronger..."

"...Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do, I wouldn't know
Just how capable I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you
Cause it
Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter..."

"...Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture
I wouldn't know how to be this way now and never back down
So I wanna say thank you..."

At dahil GRADUATING na ko, mas feel na feel ko talaga to ngayon HAHA :) Hell week is FUN ;) If we were spoonfed and sheltered, life would have been oh-so-boring. Trials are like the herbs in your favorite gourmet dish-- they add spice to life :)

Running on caffeine, hope and determinism

The night before this, I worked my butt off until 6 in the morning. I missed the one class I've been waiting for my whole psych major life---the time when we get to have our own actual human brain samples---because I had too many requirements left to do. If I do get to finish all the stuff I have to finish for tomorrow before sleeping, maybe I'd only have an hour or two left to sleep.

I am currently run by caffeine.

But I've been like this since last week. The sole time I got to really unwind and do nothing was during our 16th month (last January 8, which was just a week ago but already it feels like it has been two weeks since, given everything I've been doing). And today's the only time I really have to buy a grande frappe.

The point? I've noticed that more than all the coffee in the world (I used to always buy whenever I have something to finish---something that contributed a lot to my now thin bank account---but now I'm really really doing my best to not spend), it's really my hope and determination that keeps me running. Like I said, I used to buy from Starbucks or Seattle's almost everytime I need to finish something. But then, a number of them were useless since I ended up sleeping, anyways.

Having the hope that things will turn out okay and the determinism to keep going and going---these two are the things that matter more.

---
Need R&R sooooooon!

I've decided to be a cheerleader :)

The first week of classes for this month has been anything but laidback.

Pero sinong stressed??? HINDI SI RHEA :)

I'm really proud of myself for staying positive last week despite the super hectic schedule. I wouldn't go as far as saying I've done everything I had to do. In fact, I'm a little behind schedule. But then, that's okay :) At least I know I'm more industrious now than I was before :) And the best part of it was that I stayed positive. Sure, there could be physical signs of stress, but hey, what would feeling bad for myself do to help me, diba?

A lot of people around me are panicking and ranting lately. Me? I decided to be the cheerleader. And it makes me feel good-- not being in a panicky mode and having the energy (and proper mind set) to try to cheer others, too.

I'm busy as a bee, but I'm happy as if I'm free :)

Light up, my fire.

This morning, I was able to light a match stick for the first time.
And there was fire ;)

I think that's a good way to start the new year.

This year, I'm going to be braver, bolder, and an awful lot better :)

HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE!

Rhea-lizations, 2008

I'm going to close my other blog forever.
And just keep some things to myself :)

A couple of days ago, I made resolutions with frank remarks. I initially planned to upload it in my blog (I have pretty good ones, which some of you might even find useful and/or funny), but then I decided against it.

When the idea of blogging first came out (early high school, I think), I was sooo not game for it. Why would I want the world to know stuff usually I only know?

In the past months, I noticed how increasingly pressured I get to post stuff. Especially in Multiply. At times, I feel as if other people might think "oh what a boring life she's having, everyone out there's posting albums of barkada get-togethers, incessant parties, and stuff, and she hasn't posted any." Believe me (and know that it's hard for me to admit this), thoughts/social comparisons like that kill me.

In blogs, I often (like 99.99% of the time) watch my words. It's like applying make-up on food during food pictorials to make them look more palatable. You get me? What I miss about my old school diary days was the fact that I can just write anything, straight from the heart, without feeling any need to explain where I'm coming from, or to write a few more paragraphs so as not to make me look pathetic/idiotic/self-centered/whatever-negative-word-applies. There's no need, because I am the only one who gets to read it, and I don't have to explain things coming from myself to myself. But when I blog, I oftentimes feel the need that I have to.

So anyway... back to my kwento... I actually enjoyed writing stuff. They weren't necessarily realizations. Some where just things I learned and how I plan to apply them. I like how frank I was there. A number of things I said there, I would not have the guts to state online.

Have I mentioned here that I made a Tumbler blog after ditching my Livejournal? Well, I'm going to close that too :) Well, to the public, at least. Haha, and it's not like a lot of people actually read, so it makes the hassle of explaining all the more pointless. And no, I still don't like to blog in Multiply (I can only fathom cross-posting, in times when I really want people to read). This blog will remain. I love it. Haha. And maybe, I'd allow some (emphasis on SOME) entries from my private online journal to be posted here. Those will probably be the less personal ones. Ones where I just blab or when I just want to show off something neat.

You know the ultimate rhea-lization for 2008? I miss being true to myself. And in 2009, I'll be just that. Without having to worry of others' opinions. I miss writing about stuff that happened to me (in detail!). One thing I like whenever I read my old diary was the fact that I can actually remember the scene vividly because of my entries. But hello, I wouldn't want to share my life in detail online. And beside, that would just bore people to death. Years from now, I want to be able to look back in my younger days and actually find substantial stuff that would help me relive the "old days." A lot of my journal entries were filtered to the point of obscurity. How's that gonna help?

But I do love that I have this blog. I think this, in a way, is a symbol of my own cognitive (and maybe even social) development. I mean, before, I only had kwentos. But now, I have rhea-lizations, which require more complex cognitive processes. When I backread, I get to read about the stuff I've learned along the way, and maybe even evaluate if I am better now (in a number of aspects) compared to a few years/months back.