Passing the UP Law Aptitude Exam would have made things easier for me: it would have been the convenient choice to enroll in the UP College of Law and give my best shot as a student.
I have mentioned a number of times here in my blog that there are a lot of other things I want to do, and that I'm not even sure if law really is for me. And now that I know I'm not part of the bright 238 people who made it (out of what, 5000? 6000?), the question of whether I really want Law is all the more glaring. Without the prestige of my beloved University, do I still want it? Ateneo Law and UP Law, for example, are basically both Law schools. However, why is it that I don't feel the same passion for the former as compared to the latter? Does this mean, then, that it isn't really law that I want but the institution itself? But then again, for my option of taking postgraduate studies in psychology, Ateneo seems pretty much okay. So the point is... well, I don't want to jump into conclusions of what I really want. Because as of now, this whole not-passing-the-LAE thing is seriously challenging what I want to do. And it's my future that's at stake here, so that's a big deal.
I cried. I cried without really being sure of the reason why. The one thing that came to mind was the constant reassurance of the people around me that they know I'd surely pass. People, do your friends a favor and don't do that. It pressured me a lot, y'know. Even if on my own, I wasn't that sure of my feelings towards law school, the fact that everyone was expecting I'd surely pass made it hard for me to accept that I didn't. Pride kicked in.
So pride kicked in. But I didn't let it consume me. And I guess that was the defining moment. The late Randy Pausch, author of the bestseller The Last Lecture, once said that "we cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand." And true enough, I couldn't change the fact that I didn't pass my dream school, but then I believe I get to define my character by how I choose to respond to that situation.
For the record, I really don't do well in entrance exams: in Manila Science, though admitted, I was not part of any of the top three sections; in UP, though eventually admitted to my first choice, I was first DPWS (degree program with slots). You might be surprised by the latter 'cause I never really shared it in public *cough*pride*cough*. So I wasn't so surprised I didn't pass (notice my avoidance of using "I failed"). I expected it, but the people around me didn't, and I guess that's the reason for the initial "my-world's-falling-apart" feeling. But anyway, mediocre as I have been in admission tests, I would like to believe that I made up for it when I was already in the said institutions. In Manila Science for example, in the course of the four years, I did better than some of those who were initially placed in the top three sections. And even if I was not accepted to Psych right away, I more than compensated for that by performing well in my acads and by now being a candidate for cum laude (which I may or may not achieve, but that's already beside the point). I talk about these things not to boast. Rather, I guess these just serve as reminders for me not to think lowly of myself; that I am a fighter and that if I just be given the opportunity, I could actually meet the demands and do well.
It still pains me in a way. I still haven't had a really good cry. I will, in the privacy of my own room back in Laguna. I can't wait. I just want to really let it out.
But well, hello other options! :)
Sometime this week I'll visit Prof. Rosel at the OCG. I really need some guidance because right now there are just so many to choose from. And the choice won't be convenient, unlike if I passed the LAE. But the harder it is to make a choice, the greater the mental faculty to employ, and the more reasonable the judgment will be. UP Law would have been a very convenient choice. But I'm graduating and I've always had the convenient choices. It's time to grow up and move out of my comfort zone :) What do I really want in life? Truth be told, I still want to get admitted to UP Law, but only because it would make the decision-making process a lot easier for me, and yeah, it would be good for my pride, too. But I have so many years ahead of me. I guess I have to undergo through this hard process. I want to know what I really want. So help me God.