“The more we live in lieu of heaven, the less of earth we covet.”
-Fr. Mario, Sept. 25 Mass aka the Shame-on-you Mass
The homily yesterday reminded me of the work that i have to do, the work that i have not really paid much attention to beacause i felt like “i barely have time for myself.” It reminded me of why i was so passionate about it when i started and why i should relive that dedication. It also somewhat settled the cognitive dissonance i’ve been having, which i discussed in my latest blog entry in my other blog account.
It’s so easy to fall into worldliness. All those “must-haves” that magazines dictate, the mouth-watering chic pieces in shops, the fancy restos you regularly visit with your family, the many opportunities for partying that you struggle to ignore for your “priorities” even if what your heart really longs for is to just have fun, the insatiable thirst to see and be seen, to spend and to spend some more. Oh, and that desire to look so damn good--- precisely one of the strongest reasons for all the worldliness. Vanity. Social comparison. Which is quite futile. Like the philosopher in the Bible noted: it’s like chasing the wind.
For the past semester, i’ve been seriously considering resigning from my post in GK next semester. Admittedly, i was so passionate when i started. Passionate and dedicated to the point that it was almost all that i did. It became priority number 1. And quickly after? Burnout. I felt like i don’t have enough time for acads. And for myself. This sem, i accepted the position half-heartedly, truth be told. If only there was someone else to handle it. The main reason i remained was the fact that i can’t just leave it without someone to take my place. Wrong motivation, i know. But seriously though, i felt like i wasn’t functioning well. After some time, i barely worked. I focused more on myself and on other things. What’s more, each time i browse multiply or friendster, i’d often feel i’m missing out on a lot. I felt like i wasn’t having as much fun as the others. I felt like i’ve been spreading myself too thinly. Others seem to have ample time for leisure! And here i am, stuffed with responsibilities! Somebody tell me, why am i doing this again? I often heard those lines in my head. You know, there was even a point i regretted taking the position of Unit Head in YFC. Basically, i just wanted to focus on my own life. Somehow i felt like i was missing myself. I wanted to be like the others who seem to have all the time in the world to party regularly. I dreamt of study-rest-shop-party routines. I’ve had a long list of “I want’s.” On top of that list was to be relieved from responsibilities. Next was to have all the money to finance all my other wants. It has been, needless to say, all about me. Me, me, me. Yet i still stayed in my posts. For some reason i became steadfast and stayed.
As you would have guessed, the homily yesterday made a big impact on me. “Face to face with Death, money is immaterial. If we invest in our temporary stay here on earth, how much more should for something eternal? I believe that those who are blessed with more in life should also reach out more. I’ve been quite fussy about how i look and redirecting my lifestyle that i’ve been sidetracked.
My life has been greatly blessed by the Lord. He deserves nothing less than true dedication and love for his works.