“The more we live in lieu of heaven, the less of earth we covet.”
-Fr. Mario, Sept. 25 Mass aka the Shame-on-you Mass
The homily yesterday reminded me of the work that i have to do, the work that i have not really paid much attention to beacause i felt like “i barely have time for myself.” It reminded me of why i was so passionate about it when i started and why i should relive that dedication. It also somewhat settled the cognitive dissonance i’ve been having, which i discussed in my latest blog entry in my other blog account.
It’s so easy to fall into worldliness. All those “must-haves” that magazines dictate, the mouth-watering chic pieces in shops, the fancy restos you regularly visit with your family, the many opportunities for partying that you struggle to ignore for your “priorities” even if what your heart really longs for is to just have fun, the insatiable thirst to see and be seen, to spend and to spend some more. Oh, and that desire to look so damn good--- precisely one of the strongest reasons for all the worldliness. Vanity. Social comparison. Which is quite futile. Like the philosopher in the Bible noted: it’s like chasing the wind.
For the past semester, i’ve been seriously considering resigning from my post in GK next semester. Admittedly, i was so passionate when i started. Passionate and dedicated to the point that it was almost all that i did. It became priority number 1. And quickly after? Burnout. I felt like i don’t have enough time for acads. And for myself. This sem, i accepted the position half-heartedly, truth be told. If only there was someone else to handle it. The main reason i remained was the fact that i can’t just leave it without someone to take my place. Wrong motivation, i know. But seriously though, i felt like i wasn’t functioning well. After some time, i barely worked. I focused more on myself and on other things. What’s more, each time i browse multiply or friendster, i’d often feel i’m missing out on a lot. I felt like i wasn’t having as much fun as the others. I felt like i’ve been spreading myself too thinly. Others seem to have ample time for leisure! And here i am, stuffed with responsibilities! Somebody tell me, why am i doing this again? I often heard those lines in my head. You know, there was even a point i regretted taking the position of Unit Head in YFC. Basically, i just wanted to focus on my own life. Somehow i felt like i was missing myself. I wanted to be like the others who seem to have all the time in the world to party regularly. I dreamt of study-rest-shop-party routines. I’ve had a long list of “I want’s.” On top of that list was to be relieved from responsibilities. Next was to have all the money to finance all my other wants. It has been, needless to say, all about me. Me, me, me. Yet i still stayed in my posts. For some reason i became steadfast and stayed.
As you would have guessed, the homily yesterday made a big impact on me. “Face to face with Death, money is immaterial. If we invest in our temporary stay here on earth, how much more should for something eternal? I believe that those who are blessed with more in life should also reach out more. I’ve been quite fussy about how i look and redirecting my lifestyle that i’ve been sidetracked.
My life has been greatly blessed by the Lord. He deserves nothing less than true dedication and love for his works.
1 comment:
And my first thought after reading this post was, "ah, she went through it EARLY, it seems..."
Let's see now, Lil Sis, how does one properly explain this...?
To consider one's personal wants, needs and desires is but natural; as a psych major, I'm sure you know and appreciate it more than I do.
Everything changes when a person decides to... transcend what the Greeks called, "the Private Sphere" in favor of the "Public."
Remember the etymology of the word politics: it comes from the word "polis", or "city". Politics, far from being something dirty, actually pertains to one's actions - or Actions, as Hannah Arendt called it - in the context of the Public Sphere, done for things BEYOND one's personal concerns and for the benefit of the community.
BUT, at the end of it all, Man is still an Embodied Spirit. There is a constant struggle between the Body and the Spirit, or so St. Paul tells us. But this is part of being Human. It would be natural for you to want to find time for yourself; none of us, even perhaps me, were born like Plato's Guardians, at the outset "made" for a life in the Public Sphere. What we did was make a CHOICE to be concerned about our communities, to try and make a difference in the world.
Don't be too hard on yourself, my Little Sister. All of those who chose to heed the Call at one time or another felt the way you do, did the same "turning away" that you made. Because we're human. Because we, too, have things we want and desire, "simple" as they may be as compared to the Great Concerns we have chosen to take on. And all we've given up in service to God, His People and the Republic is much more felt when... stresses come along, like what's happening to GK and CFC right now, like what happened to us in the LP.
When you read the lives of the Great in humanity's history, you will see that perhaps not one was the vision of the Platonic Guardian, all concern over the Public and nary a value for the Private. They had their doubts, their fears, their wants. "The Dark Night of the Soul," so our Catholic theology calls it.
The siren song to be one of the Sheep, rather than be a Wolfhound guarding the Sheep, is always strong. Always. We guard the Sheep, we bleed for the Sheep. And at the end of the day its the Sheep that gets the best food, that have such easy, contented lives inside the pen, or out in the pasture, caring and knowing little for and of those moments when only our fangs, claws and courage were all that stood between them and becoming lunch for the Wolves.
But what did you decide in the end? That's all that matters, yes? ^_^
And would God - at least the kind, caring God we've been taught is the one we worship and love - blame you for a moment of weakness? I don't think so. He knows, after all, what it means to toil for the betterment of the community, what it costs, what gets asked.
Well, for all its worth... I'm glad there's still young people who think and (best of all) feel the way you do.
Maybe it really isn't such a hopeless cause after all...
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