Rhea-lizations, 2008

I'm going to close my other blog forever.
And just keep some things to myself :)

A couple of days ago, I made resolutions with frank remarks. I initially planned to upload it in my blog (I have pretty good ones, which some of you might even find useful and/or funny), but then I decided against it.

When the idea of blogging first came out (early high school, I think), I was sooo not game for it. Why would I want the world to know stuff usually I only know?

In the past months, I noticed how increasingly pressured I get to post stuff. Especially in Multiply. At times, I feel as if other people might think "oh what a boring life she's having, everyone out there's posting albums of barkada get-togethers, incessant parties, and stuff, and she hasn't posted any." Believe me (and know that it's hard for me to admit this), thoughts/social comparisons like that kill me.

In blogs, I often (like 99.99% of the time) watch my words. It's like applying make-up on food during food pictorials to make them look more palatable. You get me? What I miss about my old school diary days was the fact that I can just write anything, straight from the heart, without feeling any need to explain where I'm coming from, or to write a few more paragraphs so as not to make me look pathetic/idiotic/self-centered/whatever-negative-word-applies. There's no need, because I am the only one who gets to read it, and I don't have to explain things coming from myself to myself. But when I blog, I oftentimes feel the need that I have to.

So anyway... back to my kwento... I actually enjoyed writing stuff. They weren't necessarily realizations. Some where just things I learned and how I plan to apply them. I like how frank I was there. A number of things I said there, I would not have the guts to state online.

Have I mentioned here that I made a Tumbler blog after ditching my Livejournal? Well, I'm going to close that too :) Well, to the public, at least. Haha, and it's not like a lot of people actually read, so it makes the hassle of explaining all the more pointless. And no, I still don't like to blog in Multiply (I can only fathom cross-posting, in times when I really want people to read). This blog will remain. I love it. Haha. And maybe, I'd allow some (emphasis on SOME) entries from my private online journal to be posted here. Those will probably be the less personal ones. Ones where I just blab or when I just want to show off something neat.

You know the ultimate rhea-lization for 2008? I miss being true to myself. And in 2009, I'll be just that. Without having to worry of others' opinions. I miss writing about stuff that happened to me (in detail!). One thing I like whenever I read my old diary was the fact that I can actually remember the scene vividly because of my entries. But hello, I wouldn't want to share my life in detail online. And beside, that would just bore people to death. Years from now, I want to be able to look back in my younger days and actually find substantial stuff that would help me relive the "old days." A lot of my journal entries were filtered to the point of obscurity. How's that gonna help?

But I do love that I have this blog. I think this, in a way, is a symbol of my own cognitive (and maybe even social) development. I mean, before, I only had kwentos. But now, I have rhea-lizations, which require more complex cognitive processes. When I backread, I get to read about the stuff I've learned along the way, and maybe even evaluate if I am better now (in a number of aspects) compared to a few years/months back.