Saturday, May 1, 2010

April 27 entry

Today, it’s official. I think I’m becoming more and more of an introvert. The thought partly bothers me—I love being an extravert; and at the same time, it doesn’t—I’m appreciating the fact that I find contentment in being alone, that I can amuse and preoccupy myself with various things. It is somewhat a liberating feeling---you know, not needing to be in a crowd, or being the center of attention.

Just a while ago, I was sitting by the window. It was raining. Raindrops were trickling down the roof of the nipa hut in front of ours, in a singsong fashion. The waves below were hitting the shores like crazy. The breeze was both cold and humid, like the evaporated salt water is sticking to my skin. Then, I focus my gaze on the different shades of blue water, dancing merrily, and the different shades of the blue sky, pouring endlessly. A medium-sized spider was spinning a web. I was reading The Time Traveler’s Wife. When not engrossed in the love story of Clare and Henry, I was either: (a) thinking about my own future, both with a sense if security and mystery, (b) thinking of how much of an introvert I’m slowly becoming (and reassuring myself, from my psych lessons, of the advantage of introverts, teehee), or (c) just living at the moment, marvelling at the simple things I’m witnessing and noticing, which, put all together, are Awesome personified. Reminiscing the past and planning for the future—these are two of my favorite activities. That’s why I consider it such a blessing to just be at the present time—taking in various stimuli through various senses, and being able to pay attention to them.

This is good. I think I’m slowly becoming comfortable in my own skin. I used to always seek reaffirmation from the people around me, but I don’t feel that need now. I am me. I am here. And I am enjoying.

If you ask my old self, she would probably say that the Rhea now is boring. Right now, I can still here her, scolding me now, for spending time alone instead of mingling with the staff. Well, I did try to visit the “kids,” but one of the staff said some of them are changing clothes, so I was forced to go back to our room. But right now, I want to write. I will spend time with the staff later. But right now, I want to contemplate and write. And that’s what I’m doing. I used to try so hard to please everybody, sometimes even to the point of being who I’m not.

So yay, cheers to me! For slowly gaining more and more of that confidence to be just who I am and do what I want to do. For (almost) not feeling the need to please people. I’m still in the process. But I like the progress :)

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