Daddy's Girl

This entry is a day late, but i just want the world to know: I'LL ALWAYS BE DADDY'S LITTLE GIRL :)

I know he won't get to reads this.. nonetheless i'm not embarrassed to tell everyone how much i love him. I think i've mentioned him a number of times already and i don't feel any need to say everything again.

His will always be the arms that make me feel safe. His will always be the love that no one else can give. His will always be the face i'll always cherish. His will always be this girl. :) Nowadays he keeps commenting he no longer has his baby girl. Well, i have indeed gone far from the fat baby he used to carry in his arms. But i'll always be my father's baby. No matter the age. No matter the circumstance. No matter the differences. He'll always be the great guy i look up to. And i'll always be his only little girl. :)

Ezekiel 22:14

"Will your heart be able to resist, will your hands be strong on the day i call you to account?"

-->just a question to ponder upon. it got me thinking, and alas i realized that as of now, my answer to that would be "no." perhaps you'd like to think about it as well, and let's all strive so someday we can truthfully say "yes."

Libre

Sa mga pagkakataong umuuwi ako ng Laguna na hindi ako sinusundo, sumasakay ako ng MRT.

Kanina, nagulat akong sarado ang lahat ng windows at sumisigaw si manong guard na, "libre ang sakay! libre ang sakay!" Syempre, nagtaka naman ako. Inisip ko, "ano kayang meron? bakit libre?"

Naisip ko: "why is this ride free?"

Sa salitang "free," saka lang pumasok sa isipan ko. Oo nga pala, Independence Day ngayon. Hindi naman sa noon ko lamang naalala. Pero nawala na iyon sa isipan ko buong araw, marahil dahil sa hindi pa rin ako enrolled.

Ewan ko sa inyo, pero ako, hindi ko naramdaman na ipinagdiwang ang araw ng kalayaan. Mula doon ay maraming bagay ang bumagabag sa aking isip.

+++++

Mga katanungan:

1. Bakit 'di gaanong lumilikha ng "buzz" ang araw ng kalayaan kumpara sa ilang mga banyagang pagdiriwang tulad ng halloween?
2. Sadya bang wala nang pagpapahalaga ang mga tao sa araw ng kalayaan?
3. Nananatili pa bang may saysay ang pagiging malaya natin bilang isang bayan?
4. Hanggang "token benefits" na lang ba ang kayang ilaan ng pamahalaan tulad ng libreng sakay para sa mga mamamayan?
5. Wala bang mga programa ang gobyerno upang maitanim sa puso ng taumbayan ang pagmamahal sa kalayaang tinatamasa natin ngayon?
6. Tunay nga ba tayong malaya?
7. Kung papipiliin, mas gugustuhin pa nga ba ng karamihan ang maging malaya sa mga dating sumakop sa atin?
8. Ikaw na nagbabasa nito, ano ang iyong nadarama sa araw na ito?

+++++

Marahil ang iba sa inyo'y iniisip na isa na ako sa mga taong nawalan na ng pag-asa sa mga kapwa ko Pilipino. Ngunit iyan ay hindi totoo. Oo, aaminin kong nakakalungkot isiping marami nang mga Pinoy ang walang kumpyansa sa kapwa Pinoy. Ni wala na ngang tiwala sa sariling abilidad ang ilan, lalo na't 'pag hinahambing sa mga banyaga.

Gayunpaman, buo ang aking loob na may pag-asa pa ang bansang ito. Pag-asang umahon sa ating kinalalagyan. Pag-asang buhayin ang diwang nagdala sa mga bayani noon sa mga bantayog na kinalalagyan nila ngayon. Pag-asang hindi iilan lamang ang nananatiling may pag-asa. At higit sa lahat, pag-asang hindi lang hanggang pag-asa ang mayroon tayo kundi sapat na pagmamahal para sa bayan upang kumilos at pagsilbihan ito.

Naniniwala akong malaki ang potensyal ng Pilipinas, ng Pilipino. Subalit kulang tayo sa bilib sa ating kapwa, ng pag-ibig para sa ating bansa. Hindi naman ako magmamagaling na magsasabing naiibibigay ko ang lahat ng aking makakaya upang maging isang mabuting Pilipino. Alam ko sa sarili kong marami rin akong pagkukulang.

Sarili. Marahil ay dapat tayong magsimula sa ating mga sarili. Ako mismo ay aminadong hindi pa ganoong kakilala at kamahal ang aking sarili. Ngayon ko lang napag-isip-isip na sa susunod ay idadagdag ko na ang "pagmamahal sa bayan" bilang isa sa mga dahilan ko upang mas lalo kong yakapin kung ano ako ng buong buo. Hangga't hindi ko nagagawa iyon ay hindi ko maasahan ang sarili kong mabigay ang lahat para sa iba.

Nais kong maipagmalaki ang henerasyong ito sa mga susunod na henerasyon. Hangad kong makapaglaan ng aking oras, talento, at talino upang masabi sa mga kabataan ilang dekada mula ngayon na hindi pinabayaan ng henerasyong ito ang ipinaglaban ng mga bayani sa libro.

+++++

Magsimula tayo sa ating mga sarili. Ikaw, kilala mo ba kung sino ka? Tanggap mo bang hindi ka perpekto? At hindi mo ba hinahayaang maging hadlang ang kaalamang walang taong perpekto upang patuloy na magpunyagi upang mapaunlad pa ang iyong sarili sa iba't ibang aspeto?

Patuloy akong mangangarap.

Libre lang naman ito.

Ang may kapalit ay ang aktwal na pagkilos. Ngunit sa pagbibigay ng bahagi ng ating sarili, marami ang makakamit. Sabi nga sa Gawad Kalinga, "less for self, more for others, enough for all." Hindi maikakailang kailangang magsakripisyo upang makamit ang ating mga naisin. Ngunit kung para sa isang dakilang mithiin, ano ba naman ang iilang sakripisyo?

Ngunit bago tayo magmahal ng iba, mahalin muna natin ang ating mga sarili. Mahirap mamahagi ng isang bagay na hindi naman buo.

Patuloy lang tayong magmahal.

Libre lang naman ito.

It has been six months since...

...and i still haven't uploaded pictures from my 18th birthday.

Right now i'lm listening to the "soundtrack of my life." Or at least of my life's first 18 years. Truth be told, my debut was far from perfect. It wasn't how i planned it to be. And my rants can go on and on. But just a while ago, as i was going over the pictures and listening to the songs, i realized it wasn't so bad after all. Sure, i'm still kinda bitter with the fact that dad chose to buy a new video cam and a new camera instead of hiring a photographer (which, by the way, would have been the cheaper choice. not to mention the fact that i would have had nice pictures with everybody). But it was still that one special night of my life wherein all my cliques were present. Well, not all. But at least there were people from each. Now i reminisce about that night and instead of seeing the blunders, i see love. That night i was overwhelmed with the love of the people who were there. I wasn't able to really bond with any group because i was constantly being called by another. I felt like i could just multiply into as many as my guests so i can catch up with each of them. I guess i was so bothered with the things that didn't go well that i failed to realize one thing: i had, i have, and i will continue to have a happy life. :)

It has been six months since i celebrated my 18th. So much happened.

Now, as i am halfway through, i wonder what it'll be like after another six months.

I bet by then i'm more responsible and sensible. Oh, and definitely more charming and beautiful. Yes, that's what i call "trying to boost one's self esteem." Hehehe :) Whoever disagrees, you are free to close this window now. :) :) :)

Hola, I'm Back! :)

-Blurbs-

Missed me? Hehe... Anyhow..

When my vacation started, i thought i'd have more time for blogging. Heck- i thought i'd be blogging about almost every single thing every now and then. But despite all the blog-worthy realizations i've had, all the thoughts running on my head and all the memories and issues worth writing about, i remained mum and decided to take a break from the cyberworld.

Actually, it's not really a "decision," but i just sorta didn't feel like talking about everything here. And it's not as if i lack the time, 'cause right now i'm an official bum. I've been thinking about it and i realized that perhaps i'm just happy with my life right now and i don't really feel like there's a need to post stuff online. This summer, i made my friends my blog. Well, to each a different story, of course. Hehehe.. :)See, i've always loved the fact i've got different sets of friends. Stuff that i can't tell to one, i can always tell to another. Vice versa.

Yeah, i know this isn't really a well-thought of writeup, considering that this is my first after more than one month (that seem like eons to me). But whatdaheck, i don't care. I'm just typing almost everything that comes into my working memory.

-So how's summer?-

Far from perfect, not outstanding... but definitely relaxing- just what i needed it to be.

Well, i still "work" but hey, that's for Gawad Kalinga. I've always believed that when you're passionate about what you're doing, it's not work at all. During our second night at Naga City for the 14th ILC, i was so honored to be part of the few college students and fresh grads who had a meeting with no less than GK's father, tito Tony Meloto. He was talking about a pioneering work he wants to start with us. It's a pity i can't say everything as aptly as he did nor could i relay articulately what we talked about. But i was really awestrucked then. Especially when we left the room and saw the thousands of other youth gathered outside singing praises. I was thinking, "geez, sa dami nila, ako pa isa sa mga nakasama." Oh, and i'm psyched that UPGK will be using Tony Meloto's and his team's new office at NCPAG. How cool is that? :)

There were lots of out of town trips as well. One thing: i missed doing that. I mean, last year, our family lost three members.. So it was only now that we've been going out again.. I remember when i was a kid.. Papa (my lolo) was always the one who initiated those trips. When he got sick, somehow those family trips were lessened. Most of the time we'd just gather and visit him.. Eating and sharing stories.. *sigh*.. i miss Papa the most. :(

Anyhow.. will post pictures of our trips some other time :)

Apart from my weekly visit to UP for UPGK's planner, bumming around, and going out with relatives, i did nothing else. Well, i didn't learn how to drive 'coz mom's resigning. So she'll be returning the company car that she's using. Hence, the extra car that we have, which i was supposed to use, will be used by her. Oh well. *sniff*.. (have to move on! have to move on!).. hehehe.. umm, i didn't learn how to bake anything new either.. but i still have a few weeks left before school starts, so i can still bug mom to teach me. :)

-In a nutshell -

Things are going well. :) Not perfect, but swell. :)

I don't know what'll become of me next sem. Heck, CRS decided to not love me. Hehe.. But i'll definitely do better next sem. I just have to. ;)

-A defining song-

Just a few hours ago, i found a song that aptly describes how i plan this year to be.. And how things seem to be going :) (well.. sans the "love" part, that is. none of that for now. hehehe)

THIS YEAR
Chantal Kreviazuk

This year, is gonna be incredible
This year, is gonna be the one
All the planets are lining up for me
This year, I'm gonna have fun

This year, I'll paint my masterpiece
This year, I'll be recognized
I can feel like I'll fall in love for real
This year, this year

January, I'll learn to fly
February, love's gonna find me
March, April, May, I'll get carried away
Oh, oh...

This year, I'll reach the pinnacle
This year, I'll get to the top
People will ask where she get that energy
This year, I'm never gonna stop

January, I'll learn to fly
February, love's gonna find me
March, April, May, I'll get carried away
Oh, oh, oh, oh...

This year, is gonna be incredible
This year, is gonna be the one
All the planets are lining up for me
This year, I'm gonna have fun

I'm gonna have fun
Just watch me now
This year
This year
This year

-Names, names.. Before i leave :)-

+ CHIZ ESCUDERO definitely deserves the top spot in the senate :)
+ PAOLA GRACE REYES, LIZA RIKKA MASCARDO, MARY JOY OMBAO, and CAREN AIMEE GEMENTERA, you girls are badly missed! kumusta naman sa hs barkada natin, ha? let's go out! let's go out! :D
+ To one of the very few people who i can tell almost everything to: CHARLES ICASIANO! Goodbye engg, welcome to cssp! :)
+ And can i just? TOBEY MAGUIRE looks funny when he tries to be dramatic. And oh, don't get me started about his attempts to dance. Nonetheless, he's hot. :) Hehe..

Speed

.Stationary.

God's love :) If there's one thing constant in this world, that's God's love :)Ever-present, not faltering a bit.

My psych grades. They haven't changed- always 1.75. I just wish my 115 would break the trend- for the better, of course. Struggling as i am with controlling my emotions, i might cry if i get a 2.

.Slow.

Progress in the country is slow. Service in a number of restaurants is slow. My brain is slow- or perhaps it just refuses to admit some information. We are slow. And i shall no longer elaborate on that. ;)

Slow to anger, irritation, irrationality, pagsusungit, and crying- that's something i'm trying to live by. And i'm struggling. It's hard, you know- "growing up" as a crybaby, a drama queen as i fondly label myself. But hey, i'm trying. Slowly i'm changing. At least now i recognize my irrationalities. Although sometimes the fact that i'm aware they are irrational and hence must stop just irritates me more. Like, can't i just rant and be irrational for one whole day without a care for anything? But after a week of reflection, i know that is not how a Christian should be like. Staying on the right path can be really hard.

.Moderate.

My feelings (to wherever with these crazy feelings!) are gradually changing- not too fast, not too slow. It's better this way- unlike before when i'd jump headfirst, or when i'd take sucha lazy stroll only to realize what i almost had when it's gone. But sometimes i can't help but think i shouldv'e left things as they were at the start. It was less dangerous back then. But hey, don't worry. I'm still holding on to my resolutions for this year.

.Fast.

Time! Time passes by so swiftly! All of a sudden, i'm done with two years in college! I'd be pretty scared by now if i'm not planning to go to law school because it means i only have two years left before i work. You know work scares me. For now, at least. I feel like if i don't get a good job (by my standards and by society's standards), i'd be like a faliure- as if everything i toiled for becomes devoid of significance. But that's just the present me speaking. I'm pretty confident i'd be psychologically ready by the time i have to work.

Time! Time passes by so swiftly! So much happened in the past school year, i barely kept track. A blurry of emotions, of sleepless nights, of staying at seattle's, starbucks, bo's, gloria jean's and mocha blends, of incoherence, of new acquaintances, of new experiences, of events and parties, of bigger responsibilities and challenges... So much in so short a time. If S=D/T, where D is distance and T is time, the "speed" of my life thus is equal to R=E/T, where E stands for everythings that has happened. And R, i tell you, would yield to such a big value.

Time! Time passes by so swiftly! So fast i wish i have a remote control to slow things even for just a little bit, and to rewind some parts of the past year i want to revisit: the last days of my beloved grandfather, all the subjects where i did not get an uno (hahaha!), yesterday (when my precious bvlgari perfume fell from my table!), the mundane things in school that (simple as they are) are the moments that make UP life livable, my 18th birthday celebration, and some things i'd rather not mention ;)

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Sometimes, the things we want in slow-mo are the ones going "full-speed ahead" while the ones we want to go a little faster are the ones taking it slow.

Some things in life are meant to remain the same
Some are meant to be taken slowly
While some, no matter how much you want to slow it down
Will leave you breathless
with its speed.

Yet another 1.75

in Psych, that is.

I never got any grade in psych other than that. makes me think: should i be a psych major?

I loved my Cognitive Psych class. it has been my favorite subject this semester. oh, and if you can just see my book! how i highlighted it, how i did my reviewers... and my final paper! that final paper. i exerted so much effort for it. and this is all i get.

but perhaps kuya art's text was the best thing i received this morning:
"hehe! At least 1.75 ka. Dats ma'am conaco.Ü"

he has a point. that came from the professor conaco.

and you know, despite my 1.75, i'm pretty happy (well, after ranting, that is). i learned a lot from the subject. i think i could've done better but hey, regardless of the grade, i know i learned much. the subject also gave me reason to explore my interests, specifically: linking psychology to law. after reading all those psych journals and even browsing through criminal cases, i felt that i do have a direction, that indeed i'm going somewhere.

and despite the low grade, i still love ma'am conaco! :) i felt sooo good about myself due to all the encouragement i got from her for my topic. if it wasn't for her, i might have given up easily. but just knowing that an esteemed doctor of psychology like her believes in me, well, it made me feel like i can really do it.

i was also ecstatic with the good feedback i got from some up law seniors. i found out that nobody in the philippines has yet probed much into the case i was investigating. and if given more time, my study actually poses important implications. i sincerely hope that i'd get another psych subject wherein i can delve deeper into that.

and so, heartbreaking as it was to receive yet another 1.75 from my own department, i just have to look back at the experiences i got from the subject and the fact that the grade came from ma'am conaco, the ma'am conaco.

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thanks, kuya art :)
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rheality: sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you still don't get what you expected.

rhealization: life must be really sweet when you find it easy to dismiss matters like this.

rhea-l issue: and yes, i'm still happy :) even if i might possibly not be in the CS list for this sem.